``lost

Friday, May 1, 2009

|11:14 PM|

I'm feeling so overwhelmed now. I havent posted for two weeks. All the emotions are mixed.....its like an explosive chemical reactions. But never mind. I need to state a few resoulutions.
1) I shall post at least once a week
2) I shall try not to annoy my friends on the topic of Twilight or Robert Pattinson
3) I shall try as hard as possible to learn french
4) I shall help out around the house more often
5) I shall not procasinate
6) I shall manage my finances well
7) I shall try an improve myself as a person
8) I shall be completely honest in my blog (Except for certain parts)
9) I shall work hard in debate and not let my seniors down
10) I shall stay in contact with my old friends, be a good friend to present ones, and make new friends in future.
11)I shall try not to worry my parents anymore
12)I shall not let my parents be upset
13)I shall try to change my bad habits
14)I shall be more considerate
15)I shall devote my heart fully to the tasks given to me and perform them well
16)I shall try to make time to go out with my family
17)I shall try to keep my life balanced and healthy
18)I shall adhere to the teachings of our ancestors and be a good girl
19)I shall be a dedicated member of:
i)BLUE house
ii)SNDEBATE
iii)St Nicholas
iiii)1 Diligence
iiii)My family
iiiii)Singapore
20)I shall be brave and make my first POI in the next or next next debate session.

What's with all these resolution? I'll explain.

1. I decided to listen to this talk that is conducted by this professor. It talks about di zi gui. At first it was boring, but later, I found out that there were many things to gain from it. Now, I feel that what he says really applies to life. I feel so.....guilty. I made so many mistakes. I'd hurt my parents so much, and everytime they would forgive me. That's how much they love me. No matter how many times I'd hurt them, they take it like it's nothing. I feel like an idiot. Why didn't I see that earlier? They've given me so much and I hurt them in return. I don't deserve these parents. The talk really made me aware of what I did. I'm truly sorry for what I've done but I noe I can't apologise to my parents face-to-face. I'll never find the courage to. I'm too much of a coward to actually express my feelings openly AND face-to-face. This covers a huge portion of not making my parents worry and helping out.

2.Debate. Again, I'm a coward for not daring to point. It feels scary, cause I'm afraid I'll tense up and forget what I want to say. But I know I have to. I need to be brave enoguh to face it. Or else, how am I going to answer to the seniors if i lose strategy marks for not pointing? (By the way, pointing means to ask the speaker a question that he did not address in his speech or maybe point out a place where he/she contradicts him/herself)

3. I haven't forgotten the blog, just busy. but just busy is an excuse. So I'll try to make time.

4.When I'm crazing over Twilight or RPATTZ, I rant about them non-stop. It annoys the hell out of ppl, I know. I'm very sory bout that.

5.I sort of figured out that commitment was the key to being diligent in what you do.

6.I have to be loyal and be a good friend to my friends, cause I will need them one day.

7. I won't lie on my blog, but I may not give full details. It's scandalous.

There.

Onto the recent events.

Okay. I don't know what to post first.
Never mind.

My mum was dianogsed with a tumor. I don't know whether it is magligant or not. I'm really worried about her. It never occured to me that she might disappear from my life. That she might be gone. That I might have to survive without her. Which I could never. I teared up twice because of that thought. But when she returned, i had to put on some sort of a poker face. I didn't want her to worry. She had enough on her mind. This matter troubled me most.

Debate. Stress and tensions are running very high. My seniors are going for U-14s. Esther is facing lots of stress, I read her blog. I can understand, we need to live up to SNDebate's name. The pressure from the other seniors were high too. And the exco members went to tell Miss Lee( HOD of Eng and Lit) about engaging an external coach. That hurt Mr Searle alot. I think Mr Searle is good. And that he has his reasons for working on style first. And that this incident could have been resolved in an easier way.

There are other major events but these two are main. Will post tomorrow. I vow that I would.

She lost.
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